


we're only alive if we bruise.

by jotunhell



Category: Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Hurt/Comfort, Misgendering, Multi, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 06:23:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16738759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotunhell/pseuds/jotunhell





	we're only alive if we bruise.

"Armona Fuertes?"

The tiny voice in my head keeps yelling. _Wrong. Don't ever say that again._

"Armona Fuertes? Nandito ba si Ms. Fuertes? First of day school absent agad?"

"Sir, I think you missed the memo." It was Serging who spoke, his voice firm but right on the edge. Understandable. Everyone else got the memo. None of the other professors misgendered. Perhaps it's an honest mistake.

I gaze at my friend who honestly looks like he is ready to jump at that professor. Thank God for Sergio Osmeña but he has to stop fighting my battles for me.

"Sir," I clear my throat and gingerly raise my hand. Heads turn to the back of the room to where we're sitting. "Armando Fuertes, sir."

The professor narrows his eyes. It's a look I've seen a thousand times before, even on the faces of people that I love, and it's enough to make me sick. "Ms. Fuertes, kapag tinawag ko pangalan mo, just say you're present." And he goes back to roll call.

I lean back in my seat. To my right, Serging is tensed, not even bothering to hide his obvious distaste. He's angry. To my left, Nonong is relaxed and keeps his eye on the professor. He's livid.

"Nong," I whisper, "kung ano man yang binabalak mo, wag na."

There's something about Nonong that always gets to me. It's the way he carries himself, the way he executes. It's in how I know he always delivers. So when he leans back and whispers his next words, they are enough to send a shiver down my spine.

"Ipapahiya ko siya."

"Hindi na ako aangal dyan." I turn to my right just to make sure Serging's really the one who said that. He gives me an unapologetic shrug.

I purse my lips and stay silent. I'd be lost without these two.

  
The lecture starts. Basic Economics, should be easy. But not for me, not when my focus was thrown out the window the moment I heard my dead name ring in front of the entire class, the name that all of these strangers now know. The same name I worked hard for to bury, keep hidden, never to be spoken of.

It shouldn't be a big deal, it really shouldn't. It's happened a lot before, people always get it wrong. I'd have to keep reminding them. It's Armando now. It shouldn't be hard to remember, right?

There's only so much I could do. It gets tiring sometimes.

Suddenly it's hard to breathe. I blink rapidly and sit up straight to take in the air my lungs scream for.

Nonong's already starting to pick on the professor. That's Quezon for you, always finding ways to get under your skin. Too bad I can't focus on it. Not when everything's swimming in front of me.

"Excuse me," I stand and make my way out of the room, heading for the nearest restroom.

Goddamn this university for being so big and having winding halls. This is probably the karma I get for skipping freshman orientation to watch movies with Serging on his laptop.

By the time I'm able to find one, I'm choking back on a sob.

I stop for a second, staring at the two signs in front of me. It throws me off. Usually I'd be so sure, I wouldn't be scared.

 _Get a grip._ It took me months to finally have the courage to go into the men's room. One little breakdown isn't going to take that all away.

I steel myself and go in, glad to see it empty. My grip on the sink is enough to turn my knuckles white. I desperately blink away the tears. Crying's only going to make the not-breathing situation worse.

  
"O teka, teka lang Manding." Serging's voice tethers me back, my teary gaze meeting his worried ones in the mirror.

"Manding," he says again over heaving my breaths. "I'm going to loosen your binder, okay? Para makahinga ka."

Fuck. Why didn't I think of that. Sergio Osmeña truly does know how to keep me from falling apart.

Giving no protests, Serging lifts up my shirt and starts to adjust the binder, working on the hooks on the side. After managing to loosen a few, he looks up at me and I nod weakly.

"Okay na.." I hate how pathetic that sounds. However, I don't get a chance to dwell on it because Nonong's voice fills in the silence.

"It's not fun to annoy a douchebag when you guys aren't watching." The smile on his face drops when he senses the air in the room. "What's going on?"

"Hindi siya makahinga, Nonong."

"Shit. His binder?"

"Loosened it already."

"I'm right here." I sigh, rubbing at my face. It's all red now. "It's just a little panic. Sorry."

"Ikaw pa talaga mag-sosorry?" Nonong lifts up my shirt to inspect the binder and I watch him clench his jaw. Uh oh. I think he found it. "Manding, your binder's too small for you."

Serging blinks and checks again, seeing the bruises and red lines I've been trying to hide. Why does he look like that though? Like it's his fault? Serging, come on.

I wince, anger and shame flooding in. "Wala na akong iba eh."

"I'll get you a new one, hindi yung ganito. Your hika will get worse. Kaya pala you're having trouble making hinga."

"Your conyo is hurting my very being, Nonong. And that's not it." Even I'm surprised with the bite in my words. I look at him apologetically before turning around to face them.

It's different than looking at them through the mirror; my walls crumble as they always do when it comes to Nonong and Serging.

"Not with the panic attacks, at least. This is supposed to be college. Malayo sa lugar ko. I can start new, I can be finally who I am." I drop my gaze. "No one was supposed to know that name. It's dead for a reason."

"And it'll stay dead." Serging adds. "If the students around here have an ounce of respect and basic human kindness, they'll only call you Armando, they'll only know Armando."

I chew on my lip and feel an arm around my shoulders. I let myself lean into Serging a little.

Nonong keeps close, his arms crossed. "Ako na bahala mag-transfer ng schedules natin."

"Haluuuh," Humor laces itself back into my voice. It draws a smile on both their faces. "You don't have to. I know none of you like 7:30 AM classes."

"Neknek mo, we're leaving that class together. Plus, hindi na ako makakapag-concentrate every time I see that transphobic asshole."

"Uh huh." I turn to Serging, unimpressed. "Di ba kayo roommates? Good luck sa 'yo."

"Oo nga eh."

"Salamat talaga sa support, mga tarantado. Halina kayo, putangina, let's cut this period nalang and walk around. Malapit na lunch eh."

Nonong heads out first and Serging and I follow. Not long, he falls back into step next to Serging while fiddling on his phone.

"Ano ba ginagawa mo?" Serging asks.

"Online shopping."

Again? I wonder what kind of unnecessary whim he has in mind this time. "Para?"

"Binder mo."

Oh. Blood rushes to my face and maybe I'm doing that stupid thing again where I stare dumbfoundedly instead of saying thank you.

"Manding?"

Yeah, I'm doing it.

"Salamat, babayaran ko 'yan."

"Sure. Make sure you tell me the right size mamaya."

Everything settles over lunch. No anxiety nor fear. Just warmth from the hearty lunch we're having and maybe also from Serging's laughs and Nonong's smiles.


End file.
